First Short Film

I really respect all of the editors here on FCP.CO I want to share my latest bit of work in the form of a short film about a boy that doesn't flush the toilet so it wants to kill him. I'd love to know your thoughts! Of course it was all done in FCPX.

Respecting the editors here is a nice gesture. Also remember a lot of work goes into this site & we try to respect those who generously contribute their time, energy & money.

With that in mind, there is a specific forum here for posting your videos made in FCPX. It might be helpful to spend a few hours going thru that forum, studying the videos posted & reading the critiques people have shared. This way you can gain a greater understanding of film craft.

www.fcp.co/forum/13-made-with-final-cut-pro

We see you’re brand spanking new & all shiny here, hey.. welcome aboard.

Peter might move your video over to the proper section, as this area is for people asking specific technical questions about the Final Cut software, not for those requesting critiques of their work.

For people who are serious about their work, & interested in elevating their craft into the realm of art, I will sometimes share my time to analyze their video, but that is only if my client’s paying projects aren’t engaging me. Other members here will often do the same.

Perhaps posting this in the wrong forum has lessened the chance of critiques happening, as you’ve been up for over 30 hours without so much as a comment. You’re new, so no one will hold that against you.

Another possible reason for lack of input here, is that though you’ve launched into an ambitious project, there are a few early errors which make your video very difficult to enjoy.

Specifically, your set-up or description. We all like lighthearted whimsical humor or fantasy, but toilet humor or scatological references are basically the lowest form ever. Right from the start you’re turning off most people. Secondly; essentially what you’ve done is told us the punchline of the joke first, then asked us to sit thru over 8 minutes to hear it again. That’s an unreasonable request.

So you start with a very weak & somewhat offensive premise, disclose the big mystery before it even starts, then expect your audience to sit thru 8 minutes of torturous tedium to get to what is ultimately zero payoff. If there’s a way to track it on youtube, I think you’ll find most viewers don’t make it past a couple of minutes before losing interest.

If you want to just make a fun little film featuring your family, for you & your friends to enjoy, that’s great. There have been some contributors here who have done that. Here’s one of those in which you can see a competent level of technical skill.

www.fcp.co/forum/13-made-with-final-cut-...-in-gamela-rj-brazil


Sorry if me saying your 8 minutes is torturous but I must be honest with you. If you’re serious, humble, open & respectful, people here will give you all sorts of encouragement, help & support. But I have to admit, I’m one of those that didn’t make it past 2 minutes, & I love videos featuring children, humor, etc. But like I said, the horrible premise & the poor execution did not engender me to hang around waiting to see a crap filled toilet. The whole thing turned me off.

Technically, your opening shot, mother & son waving goodbye, they’re both looking in totally different directions. It doesn’t make sense. Everything about this video screams amateur. If you want to have somewhat believable acting with non-professionals, you would do better to stick to much less dialogue. No dialogue would be preferred, 1 or 2 lines at the most. Otherwise it just sounds too amateur, thus unbelievable, therefore unwatchable. Sorry, but that’s the reality. Sure, Grandma might like it, friend down the street, etc, but it’s not for public consumption.

Next, if I never ever hear that song again, it will be too soon. This is coming from a lover of music, & many years working in the industry. If I feel this way about that excessively overplayed track, you can bet others do too.

Last but not least, you started with a weak premise that should be at the most a 1 or 2 minute piece, then dragged it out into a lengthy torturous exercise for your viewers. Several minutes of this will leave the average viewer feeling abused, angry, violated & annoyed. They will click off elsewhere.

Sorry if this is brutally honest, I’m not trying to dampen your enthusiasm, but like the kids say… I’m just keeping it real.

Please be encouraged to keep at it, study the forum I suggested, take notes, create more work, fine tune it, & remember… often - less is more.


PS - Since I'd spent more time writing this than many will watching your video, I decided to be completely fair I'd better force myself to sit thru the whole thing. It was as I expected, very predictable, unpleasant & unrewarding. However, on the bright side, you do seem to have some level of competency in using the equipment & software, so if you begin with a better creative concept & really develop your content before shooting, things look hopeful.

Sorry to post another in this thread, I know I keep doing that but people just aren’t participating enough. And… when they do, as you did here the other day, the site got hacked & your post erased.

However, not before I had a chance to read it, as well as the two others that chimed in saying they liked your video & thought it funny or entertaining, etc.

Anyway, tell you what, Tawaan, since you handled my somewhat brutal dressing down & responded with gracious words & openness, I’ve reconsidered my position. Not my view of the piece, but my resolution to not spend any more time on it, for one reason … it’s been on my mind.

So let’s consider tossing around a few ideas. For instance; we all love the concept of children learning to be more responsible, keeping things tidy & doing chores. So far, so good. It would be nice to make that philosophy an overarching component of the child’s development, beyond just potty training. How about we shoot for an entire movie that comes in around the 3 to 4 minute mark. Less is more here, 3 minutes is best. It can’t be any longer than that or the twist won’t work. Just like the guy at the office party who stretches a joke out for half an hour when you already know the punchline - it’s obnoxious & intellectually insulting. We can cut out all the superfluous stuff that doesn’t really work on any level. For example, you needed the plot device of the boy getting a stomach ache so you have him eating popcorn off the floor. This entire contrivance is incongruous as no one believes a mother would be throwing popcorn around like that on a black carpet. So we get rid of the premise, the entire scene is unnecessary.

Another thing, our hero is really the boy, & seeing as he’s such an adorable little lad (angelic even), having the “twist” at the end be that he is horribly killed, is really not the kind of tone that will make this a popular or even viewable film. Certainly not suitable for any children’s network.

How about we have our happy little family enjoying their playful time, music, dancing, etc. You can even keep his song. If you’re going to have a video game, probably a non-combat one would work better. Best for this concept would be a filthy messy one, like slinging mud or pies if there is such a game. The family can still be eating popcorn, but we don’t need to be throwing it, nor do we need any stomach aches or even dialogue yet. It’s all just laughter, music & fun. Wife emerges from a doorway obviously upset, boy keeps playing while hubby consoles her. Still no dialogue is heard.

Insert shot - dad’s thumb on the remote, Boom! Party’s over, music stops, boy stops leaping… what? Dad leads lad to doorway with mother, they peer into the bathroom. I like a low tracking shot from inside the bathroom approaching our trio in the doorway. Cut to messy bathroom, filthy socks on the floor, ring around the tub, dark dripping soap scum, dirty towels in pools of muddy water, toothpaste half out of the tube, etc, etc. No need for crap in toilets, we get the idea. Maybe some toilet paper hanging out of the bowl, but no brown, it adds nothing & detracts tons.

Here we can have our first line. Mom exasperated, almost breaking says “We’ve gone over this a million times… I can’t keep cleaning up after you Bobby, you’re old enough to know better…. “ (now almost in tears) “I just can’t go on like this…”

Wow, we’re feeling the crisis, this poor woman is about to crack, the marriage, family, everything is at stake here. Dad, stern, concerned, parents frustrated, serious, upset, little boy’s face close up… worried.

Fade to different light same view on face rotates to him lying in bed, Daddy just finished reading a story, closed the book, it’s bed time. But before getting up, he has a little speech, maybe about when he worked overseas & how important cleanliness is, sharing something about how cholera & typhoid broke out in these places with unsanitary conditions, & how terrible & frightening those diseases are… (he’s not trying to scare the boy, he’s sharing out of genuine concern)

Little face furrowed brow … contemplating….

Lights out.

Daddy closing door, leaves it ajar, loving look at lad…

Boy drifting off, into dream land…. here we have a dream sequence, here’s your opportunity for a horror scene in that bathroom. Maybe the boy is brushing his teeth, but the soap scum, tub rings, pools of water & filthy socks are morphing into the plague-like bacteria, moving towards him with scary Hitchcock Psycho shower music. Maybe start it from the corner of his eye he notices something, turns but it stops, goes back to brushing, it’s watching him, coming to life when he’s not looking. Special effects as it moves across the floor seeping towards where he’s standing, maybe smoke rising, it’s eating away at his shoes! He drops the brush & it melts into the toxic blob. He barely escapes with his life, terrified… he awakes with a start! It was just a dream.

Next day, we see little family doing casual things, dad reading paper, Mom preparing dinner, son coloring. Then Mom walks into a doorway & receives the shock of her life, big reaction! We see the bathroom so shiny it’s like a massive collection of glints, over exposure, light leaks & lens flares. Boy’s bedroom, same thing. Parents are stunned.

Ok, here’s your twist…

At the dinner table, boy is sitting, mom serving, puts down a plate & says “we’re really very pleased with how you’ve cleaned & tidied everything… not really sure what got into you, but we’re very happy, & just want to encourage you… but just a regular clean is good enough, honey …. you really don’t have to go overboard like this… Ok sweetie?” She holds his hands endearingly… Dad’s patting him on the shoulder.
Sonny looks a bit worried…

Insert shot, boy’s hands under the table, he’s got a bottle of antibacterial & a little towel, he’s frantically scrubbing off their contagions.

Final shot, happy family eating, we move in on the boy, his eyes dart about searching for bacterium, it’s an obsession... the parents have created a different sort of monster… (Psycho music) fade to black.





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Thanks again for taking your time too educate me on how to better execute the concept. It's a great write up. I really learned through the other post so far on the video that I need to as has been mentioned just develop the concepts more before I film and take care in the details. I'm thinking of doing another video different concept of course so ill be sure to take your advice and share the next one so you can let me know your thoughts.

Well, not sure how much of this can be called "education," as it's plenty subjective. However, many years in the industry helps me to see what appeals to more people. Even the world's worst film is still going to appeal to someone somewhere, but I think when you have a good message, why not reach more people?

The Mini Mr Clean concept I outlined yesterday, has considerable entertainment value. You could give the boy a few lines throughout, to up the interest levels. I've been envisioning how to film a particular shot when the slimy ooze is coming to get him. We have a low tracking shot (could be handheld) along the floor towards his little shoes, angled up so we see him brushing his teeth. As we're tracking forward an assistant dumps half a bucket of nasty looking liquid forward to flow along the floor below the camera height in the direction we're tracking. So the oozing slime flows past our tracking speed since it's quite liquid, but we portray it with the music, sound FX & with its flow speed reduced to slow motion.

The more you plan before you shoot, the better prepared you are. That's why most projects storyboard in preproduction. Many times during that process, you will refine the project, change or drop scenes, improve the story, then when you shoot... it's all killer, no filler.

Thanks again for the feedback. It's been a huge learning experience. Thanks for taking your time to help me. I'll carry this advice into future productions.